I don’t know when exactly my life changed from a carefree girl to someone who did not like herself very much. I grew up in the 1970s in USA. No one talked about learning to love yourself back then, so I never thought about it. As I began to hear people talk of not loving themselves, I realized that I too didn’t love myself.
Childhood
I was born into a very loving family in eastern Alabama. That part of the country was rightly known as “The Bible Belt.” We went to church every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday evening. You could say I cut my teeth on the church pews. I don’t remember a time I was not in church when the doors were opened except when I was in the hospital having surgery over my tenth birthday.
After I had surgery I walked with a very bad limp. One day after surgery, as I was leaving the office, I heard my doctor dictating into my medical chart that I had a “very grotesque walk.” This was around the time that the word “gross” was used a lot. I didn’t know what grotesque meant, but I did know what gross meant and grotesque sounded a lot like gross to me. I assumed that it meant my walk was gross – that I was gross. I never said anything to anyone about it, but I was crushed. Looking back, I think that is when I first began to see myself as unlovable and I began not to even love myself.
Adolescence
During my adolescence, my family went to charismatic, non-denominational churches. We believed in divine healing and I was dragged from church service to church service to be prayed over for my healing. I would get prayed over and walk away the same; not healed, but the same.
I was told I did not get healed because I had sin in my life, or I just didn’t have enough faith. I did not know of any sin in my life and I knew I had faith the size of a mustard seed. That was all the faith that the bible said I would need to move a mountain and walking with a limp was a big mountain in my life. I began to feel that God didn’t love me because he did not heal me.
Alcoholism
In my late teens I started to use alcohol to help me feel better about myself and to see myself as someone who was lovable. I drank for a total of five years not knowing where the first drink would lead. I didn’t know if I would stop at one or not stop until I fell into bed with everything spinning all around me. I drank until I reached the point of wanting to die on a daily basis.
I planned my suicide in vivid detail. Those plans were of how I would call 911 and tell them where I was and what I was going to do. (Since I lived alone, I wanted someone to find me quickly.) I would then do it knowing that they would not be able to get me to the hospital before I bled out. The only thing that kept me from killing myself that day was that I looked down and saw the white carpet and I knew my mom would not get back my $100 deposit. Yes, a hundred dollars saved my life. Two weeks later I was walking into the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous asking for help.
Recovery
That was the beginning of my life of sober living. It was in AA that I began to hear talk of learning to love yourself. They would say things like, “Let us love you until you can learn to love yourself.” It made no sense to me at all. I genuinely thought I loved myself, but if I did, would I drink the way I did and want to die on a daily basis?
During my first five years of recovery, I began to use affirmations. I would stand at my bathroom mirror, look myself in the eye and say, “I love you. You are lovable.” The whole time I was doing this, my mind was saying, “Bullshit! This is all Bullshit!” I kept at the affirmations and over time I seemed to get better, but I still had problems with seeing myself as lovable; I did not believe it and I did not love myself. I didn’t want people to know what I really felt so I continued to live my life acting as if everything was ok and I really did love myself.
The Master Key Experience and Learning That Kindness Comes from Learning to Love Yourself
When I was 56, I discovered the Master Key Experience. During that experience we had a whole week called “Kindness Week.” This was a week where we looked for kindness being shared with people. We also practiced kindness during that week trying not to get caught. I began to realize being kind means that I am kind to myself as well as others. There is no way to be kind to myself if I don’t love myself.
I have to learn to love myself. I have to be kind to myself. I have to treat myself as good as I treat others. I am learning to love myself and treat myself better. When I love myself I treat myself with kindness! I truly believe that kindness comes when I am learning to love myself.
I don’t know where you are with learning to love yourself, but I hope while you are practicing kindness you are learning to love yourself more and more.
To read more that I am learning in the Master Key Experience, click here.
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Week 25 – What Do I Do Next?
Linda, thank you for sharing your story. You are an inspiration to others. So glad you are loving yourself now. From your blog rover friend John.
Thanks for the encouragement John.
Linda, I love this blog – I so identify so much mahalo for sharing!
Thanks Davene. I knew you would be able to relate.
Love your post…. it is so true the more you love yourself the more love there is to share
Yes Joan. I want to share more love and it is so much easier when I love myself.
Thankful for your discovery of the Master Key Experience! You are so loved!
Awww. Thank you Pam. Love you. 💜
What a powerful and intimate share! I love this, “Let us love you until you can learn to love yourself.” Stay strong my friend and continue your journey with the powerful connections and lessons you have learned from MasterKey 💖😊
Yes Brenda, that statement was one that means the world to me. I have even used it to help others. So glad I met you through the Master Key Experience.
Linda, wow! Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing your story. I am honored to know you and be on this beautiful journey with you my friend. Keep on loving and smiling daily. You’re an example I would love to emulate.
Thank you Elena. I am honored to know you too. I have loved reading your blog.
Goodness, Linda. What an amazing piece of writing this is…straight from your heart in a way that really REALLY touched MY heart. I ache for that little girl in you who thought you were gross. I’m so glad we both found #MasterKeyExperience this year and also grateful to be MasterMinding with you as we help each other and others REALLY SEE OURSELVES AS INFINITELY VALUABLE and love ourselves. Blessings always!
So glad it reached your heart Shirley. That is what I want to do with my writing – talk share my experience, strength & hope & help others. I am definitely happy that I found the Master Key Experience & met you there. Hope you have a wonderful day.
Linda thank you for sharing your story, I’m sure it will help others to read about your journey. I’m so happy that you’re still here spreading kindness and, along with the rest of us, learning to love yourself more each day. ❤️
Thank you Laura. Yes, I am still here, just a little slow sometimes.
Thanks Laura for your encouragement.
Awesome, thank you so much for sharing so much of you and your experience. You are courageous and determined and genuine! Especially love these things you said: “I began to realize being kind means that I am kind to myself as well as others. There is no way to be kind to myself if I don’t love myself.” That’s been a lesson for me as well. My mastermind group recently did a kindness week and I realize that I often don’t think to include myself. Also love this: “I don’t know where you are with learning to love yourself, but I hope while you are practicing kindness you are learning to love yourself more and more.” It is definitely a process for me. Things pop up that show me I need to take it deeper. Great share!
Laura, I am so glad you liked the post. We will walk the path of loving ourselves together.
Oh Linda! This is fabulous! You opening up like this is truly a hero bursting at the seems! I’m so glad you found the Master Key experience:)
Nicole, I am glad too. Not only did I get valuable lessons, but I got to meet awesome people like you. 😃
Linda thank you so much for sharing your story. I cant wait to see what you do next
Thank you for your kind words.
Wow so powerful and raw…talented writer indeed, I am sorry I just saw this now…Linda you are a hero of your own life. You have overcome much. It is a honour to know you Superwoman!
Thank you Roz for those kind words. I am honored to know you too! You have been such an encourager to me.
Thanks for this open and honest account of your journey through life, Linda! Haven’t seen ya lately on the M23K Marco Polo. Where you been? 🙂
Thank you for the kind words, Loren. I have been dealing with life and have not been able to do a lot of stuff other than the day to day living.